On my way back to my hotel room after my mad dash shopping for a replacement outfit for the Grammy awards I stopped off at my sister’s room to retrieve my seven-year old son whom by now must think his mommy is suffering some sort of mental break down. Patsy is my identical twin sister and our children sometimes get confused at who’s who and what the heck we are talking about with one another. Twins have their own little communication quirks between one another my sister and I not withstanding. Patsy’s daughter Emmy opened the hotel room door after I knocked…”where’s you mommy” I asked? She took one look at me and then and there she decided it was best just to point the way to her mother and not engage in any farther discussion with me. Granted I was panting, sweating and not looking the least bit ready to go anywhere and Emmy and the boys were bored and ready for us to leave so they can continue on the universal studios for some fun after dropping Patsy and I off at the award ceremony. Patsy came out of the bathroom her makeup already on and her hair pulled to one side of her head in a puffed up pony-tail with whiskery little bangs she had just cut herself…again I thought “what is up with this 1980’s look”? I flashed back to seeing my sister with that same hairdo when she was 14! She did look pretty though so I let it slide…she didn’t have her dress on as of yet but I saw it hanging in the opened closet ready when she was to slip into. Cute dress…I said…as I made my way toward my son who was looking at me like “No way am I going anywhere with you crazy woman”. No time to argue I just grabbed his arm and although he did protest a bit he continued to walk on his on two feet toward the door. Patsy had been watching all three kids while getting herself ready for the Grammys …and that couldn’t have made for a peaceful time of it. I didn’t want to add anymore stress to her getting ready as it were. By then she didn’t put up any resistance to me taking my child either…ha ha…
So with my bag of new, cheap only $60.00 invested clothes I unlocked my hotel room door and went straight to plugging up all the curling irons, steamer and hot rollers all over again. Flipped on some cartoons for Lucca to keep him busy and began unpacking my sack of new clothes. I cut the tags off the garments and started hanging them up to be steamed. Lucca watching me and the TV both he than said “is that your new clothes mommy”? yes…do you like them”? Ever such the Italian male..he said…yea …but they won’t go with your new shoes…Tell me about I puffed out in a total defeatist tone. But I do have some black shoes I packed…not near has sweet as the red ones, but they will have to do…Lucca just made a grunting sound…unhu…that back to turning his attention fully toward to the Television. I was surveying my new clothes hanging up has I ran the steamer through them thinking to myself …these aren’t too bad…I think it will be fine…really …really …really I do.
Before I could get dresses though I needed hair and makeup..tick tock…tick tock…I have no choice but for my hair to go curly tonight…My hair is naturally curly anyway…very curly…I just need to tame it a little so that it’s not a giant frizz ball that’s all. I like wearing my hair straight though for stage and such…But no time for all that mess tonight. Having to completely forget about the vision I had seen my self looking like for tonight’s event. It aint-a goin-happen….come to think of it…it never really happens on a good day anyway! So a little twist of the hot iron here…a little twist there da da ringlets…calm, neat…non-fuzzy ringlets… I bent over to shake loose some of the curl…I am not going for the Shirley Temple look after all…and wham! I hit my head on the edge of the sink base in the bathroom just as I bent over to shake my curls…ha ha…it didn’t really hurt too much…such par for the course of the day thus far…Lucca though came running in the bathroom thinking I must have killed myself…Mommy are you okay? he said. Fine…just hunky doory…rubbing my now sore forehead. Makeup..I just threw it on…nothing much there…I didn’t have time nor any good light for any miracles anyway. Who cares…I thought…I look like a ghost anyway…all pale and wintered up. Patsy had gotten herself one of those fake spray body tans a couple of days before we left Tennessee…she looked tan…yes…far more than my white ass…but she also looked a little orange and spotted…don’t yáll dare tell her I told you that! I tosses some extra power and lip gloss in my nylon jeep baby backpack I use as a purse…I like have both hands available at all time with Lucca on the loose in the world…you never know as a mother when your child need his or her arm jerked. I know a backpack purse is so out of style but the goats, chickens and my donkeys don’t mind…now my pig…she’s giving me the once over a time or two…but she is half blind anyway…and has no sense of style what so ever!
I didn’t think about carrying an evening bag with me when I packed from home…I don’t even think I own an evening bag…come to think of it..
I had ten minutes to get my clothes on…we were really going to be pushing travel time to the other side of town as it were…we couldn’t be late…or too late in meeting our VIP contact that would walk up through the red carpet press line. The palms of my hands begin to sweat and I was shaking as I removed the my new top from the hangar. Thank goodness I kept a strapless bra in my suitcase at all times from traveling on tour. I try to keep my suitcase packed even when at home with the things that I need on the road. That way I only have to throw in my clothes at the least minute before time to catch the tour bus. I slipped the top over my newly curled hair…damn I wished I would have gotten my hair colored and trimmed before I went to LA. It’s been 5 months or more between my last color and cut, I had been putting it off now since the last time I had it done…for those of you that come out to the farm during the summer or were here during our Dinner In The Flower Field in October..you may remember I had went to a new hair stylist when mine was out of town…I was desperate okay…..I came home $300.00 poorer and my hair looked like I had the foiling from hell…with strands of pure white and dark brown and cooper color…it looked awful…my friend Tara when she saw me was trying her best to be nice… Oh Peggy she said…it’s a different look you have there…I mean its fine…you only look 5 or 10 years older….you know with those white streaks running through your hair and all…did you mean to do that…gee…thanks Tara…I said…oh… she started back peddling…I mean its just….never mind Tara, I laughed …I knew she was a true friend at that point and would remain so. So yes, I have been a little gun-shy about getting my hair done. Not to mention me having to replenish my bank account since the last time as well. The new top…anyway….sorry a little ADD kicking in…re-focus…The new top was just a little big…nothing to hold it up on this body of mine…so a little 2 sided tape..a quick adjustment to the girls and …better…The top I didn’t notice when I brought it had an elastic band around the bottom half which made it balloon out laying low on my hips…this is puffy I thought…so I kept pulling it lower and lower so I it made me look less and less like a fat ass clown…my cell phone started buzzing by this time with Patsy and her crew waiting in the lobby ready to leave…txt message…LETS GO!…scrolled across the screen. Next the pants…a thin black satin pair with some sort of ribbon belt around the waist with what appears to be some sort of be-jeweled broach attached on a bed of …oh my God…feathers….feathers….these babies were sewn on too so no way I had time to remove them…well good thing this clown puff top will cover the belt anyway. So I slid my white legs into the pants and over the hips no problem…see I thought I’m so darn smart buying a size bigger…they went on without so much of a grunt….new txt message…WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE!….how do you fasten these pants? My hands fumbling in search of a zipper, hook or buttons…they weren’t elastic so there had to be something that held this slipper things in place…ah…there it is…in the back…nice…cheap…whatever… now that the pants were zipped up and in place…great they were too big…not just a little too big either but the inseam was hanging about 6 inches down in between my legs…so much for my thinking beyond my pay grade….I need safety pins right now..I didn’t have any with me…Note to myself…need a small sewing kit with safety pins…lots of safety pin included in my suitcase full of other crap to keep packed…. I took hold of a handful of pants and top around my waist to keep them from falling to the floor..slid into my shoes…grab Lucca from in front of the TV…threw on my red Jeep pack back purse onto my back and darted for the elevators that would take us to the lobby where Patsy was nervously waiting.
As the elevator doors slid open I raced up to the hotel’s front desk…excuse me I panted…do you happen to have any safety pins? …praying to God the answer was yes. A man after my own mothers dress makers heart… for he quickly produced not only a couple of safety pins but also a couple of stick pins as well just in case you know…I love you I beamed at him…he looked a little faltered at least anyway…
Philip, Patsy and the kids were already parked in the van just outside the parking garage with the motor running waiting as Lucca and I climbed in. Patsy stole a quick look at me from over her left shoulder me seated behind her, she was riding shot-gun beside Philip who was driving. You look…cute…she said..these dang pants are too big I huffed.. trying to maneuver to where I could attach the new acquired safety pins into both sides of the inch or so fabric I had gathered up at the waist of the pants. Patsy and I were raised in the country on my families farm…so this having to safety-pin up my clothes didn’t faze her in the least…country folks will make something work…and usually it required some form of duck tape, baling string or safety pins…but it works! So off we go to the Grammy’s right off the hillbilly streets of Music City USA…The Grammys…yep…the real deal… Now that we were on our way…my pants pinned in place I took out my neckless…need a little bling bling…for this event…rhinestones but, nice ones! I wouldn’t be representing my home town without our states official birthstone now would I? Rhinestones can be found on every pair of Nudie Boots, Manuel Jackets and guitar straps including my own guitar strap here in Smashville…yáll just keep your high dollar Tiffany diamonds…We love our rhinestone here in Nashville…amen! It would take us a good fifteen minutes or so to get to where the Grammy’s honorary ceremony would be held from our hotel in Santa Monica. They don’t measure travel in LA by mileage like we do here in Nashville but rather by time it will take you to get from point A to point B depending on the time of day. LA is renown for its massive traffic jams, luckily we had a GPS that came with the van that proved to be priceless. We arrived at the VIP entrance and before I could get my seat buckle un-latched our PR contact person threw open my door and began with a rush..rush pull of my arm…giving us a quick run down of how we will be entering into the venue and what we needed to know as far as walking through the press line and red carpet. He retrieved our artist badges and all the stuff we’ll need in terms of signing in ect…The red carpet area was lit up like an airport runway and I could see celebrities and their entourage entering the building. Patsy was standing back-lit talking to our contact person…I looked at her dress and bent over laughing so hard I thought I was going to break my ribs. She was dressed in the very stylist silk dress that was belted at the waist and had a sort of handkerchief bottom to it. Her legs were tan and bare and she was wearing these brown opened toed pumps. The week before we had to leave for this event she sent her personal shopper…my niece Tayla out to find her a dress armed with Patsy’s credit card…which by the way could have spelled disaster knowing Tayla’s taste in clothes. She has expensive taste you see…But Patsy told me she gave her a set budget before she handed over her card…yea right..like that mean beans to Tayla…ha ha ha…So this is the dress Tayla came back with …cute but thin…very thin…and the reason I was laughing so dang hard….is that Patsy…had not a stitch of clothing on under this very thin…now back-lit partially see though dress…won’t Momma be proud! yee ha! Now here we are the cheap dressed fat looking clown and her high styling orange spotted hoochie sister…Welcome to the Grammy’s Friends!
next post coming up…you come this far…you won’t want to miss the end!….Red carpet and Red faces:) Final installment of Grammy Mayhem.